I’m sure you have noticed I haven’t been here like I should. Well I have been busy, now I know a lot of people say this. But I really have been busy. I have been sleeping, eating, feeling nauseous, and crying. Can you guess what I have been up to? Yep, I’m pregnant, I’ve been busy making a baby.
I have to admit I’m actually depressed about this. I don’t know why I’m depressed and it upsets me even more to think about the fact that I’m depressed about being pregnant. I want to be happy. We waited six years for our little boy and to get pregnant again is such a huge blessing for us.
But all I can think about is the money, the budget, my friends, my work, my new business and so much more that terrifies me.
It didn’t help that the weekend I realized that my period was late we overdrafted our account horribly. We had the money to cover everything, but TJ was in a hurry and instead of depositing the money with a teller he put it in an ATM. He put it in Friday afternoon and it didn’t post until this Monday afternoon. At least six things posted on the account on Saturday and this morning it went through before the deposit. He is going to go in to talk to the bank manager, but I don’t have too much hope in them helping us.
I already have been depressed this whole month on the fact that our budget is -$80 a month and we don’t have any savings to pay our taxes. I feel overwhelmed with the fact TJ can’t find a better job and at my job I have no hope of a good raise. The last two years my raises have been less than the increase in the minimum wage in Oregon. My wages at this job are going backwards. Yet I have few choices in a new job. If I find a new job it cannot be in the same town, which is where Zane goes to daycare. I pay almost nothing for a wonderful woman to watch Zane and I could never replace her. So a new job would mean a longer commute.
Then there are my friends. As the first one to have a baby it’s been so hard. I’ve been so excited for my friends to start trying this fall. I had even hoped TJ would find a new job so we could start trying in the fall with them. But now I feel like my friends are going to be upset because here I am pregnant and they all want to get pregnant but have to wait for one reason or another. I know that sounds like a blanket statement, but 4 out of my 5 best friends want to get pregnant and have to wait. I don’t want to tell any of them and I feel horrible about not wanting to tell them. Plus I’m terrified that my friends are going to end up having difficulties getting pregnant and seeing me pregnant isn’t going to help. I hated when I learned someone was pregnant when we were struggling to conceive and I don’t want to hurt them in this way.
My work isn’t going to get any better. Being pregnant and being a mommy is almost a disease at work. I am surrounded by women who made the choice not to have children. Half the time I’m treated “special” because I’m a mommy and half the time I’m treated like I’m stupid because I am a mommy. Most of the time they “know” what I’m going through and what I need. If I point out something I do need like having a set schedule, I’m asking for too much from them, because they don’t understand how important this is to a child.
I had been hoping to start getting my business off the ground, but I’ve already been feeling discourage for so many reasons. I want to be a work at home mommy. I wanted to stay home with my Zaney and now I want to stay home with both my babes, but unless a miracle happens with my business this is just not going to happen fast enough. Please pray with me that God will make this happen for us, somehow. And if you want to hire me to do any graphics or web design for you this would really help my family.
I’ve been trying to keep all the negatives out of my head and fill myself with the positives.
My husband is so excited. TJ sat down with me and comforted me when I had an inkling and told me how wonderful it was going to be. He told me he had a plan to make things better. I try to keep thinking about what a blessing this is and how for so long I had thought we wouldn’t have children. I’m trying to get myself excited about going through the whole experience of being pregnant, which I loved. I am trying to think about how close Zane will be with his little sibling. I am even trying to convince myself how great it will be not having my periods for a while.
Hopefully the hormones will pass soon and the joy will fill me. Hopefully soon.
I’m so glad you shared what you’re going through. I don’t have any solutions, but I’d be happy to share with you my story and how we’re getting by right now on one income that isn’t enough to pay the bills. Also, I just referred someone to your MBC page on Twitter yesterday, and I’ll bet others will be doing the same. Your work is fabulous! I’ll be in touch, and I’ll be thinking of you.
By the way, congratulations! It really IS a blessing. I found out I was pregnant with Brady when my kids were 6 and 8 and I had NO plans of more children. I hated my job at the time. So I quit to be with my kids. My baby is absolutely amazing, I couldn’t love this unexpected bundle more! And now I’m working hard at a freelancing career I wouldn’t have pursued otherwise. And I’m hopeful.
Congratulations! Babies always make me happy!
Oops – that posted before I was done writing . . . I wanted to add that I hope the nausea etc isn’t too difficult and doesn’t last too long, and I have no doubt the depression won’t last forever. Don’t kick yourself over it, just chalk it up to being pregnant. It sounds like daddy is very supportive, which is a HUGE blessing.
Wow that is a long well written out post about your life right now. I’m a man so I can’t say I feel your pain but, when I had children my Ex already had a 5 year old. All the emotions you can think of came over me, excited but terrified.
Long story short your thoughts are normal. Now my kids are 11, 6, and 4 and I got through all the ups and downs. Sometimes I thought my middle name was “overdraft” I’m serious. I was taking care of 6 people on my one salary but with faith and love for those kids I/we got through it.
Take faith in your savior and keep moving along in your own business day by day I know it gets better.
Jayson
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. But please remember that these feelings are actually normal and all things will work out in the end.