I had a friend hurt my feelings and I’m dealing with wondering why our personalities clash so much. I don’t know if we are just too much alike or what. I’m trying to get past it but that’s just not happening.

I don’t know if I can’t let it go because I’ve been feeling so down this last few weeks. I don’t know if I’m feeling down because it’s the holidays. I don’t know if it’s a postpartum thing or just that I have too much on my plate right now.

So hopefully this too shall pass and I will get back into the swing of things now that Christmas has passed. I’m hoping to do a series on building on faith and making time for prayer, devotions, and bible study in my life as this is one of my goals this upcoming year. You will be seeing that soon I hope.

I don’t talk about it, we don’t talk about it. It has been a secret for so long. Finally the family knows and somehow that is freeing. In some ways that gives me hope, but with so many failures to make this go away hope is even painful to think of. I have hoped so many other times in my life and I just get hurt again.

I know I am being cryptic and I know that it is hard for people to not know what is going on. But I have not decided what I want to do. I don’t know if I want to reveal it here. But part of me says that it needs to come out now. It needs to come out of the darkness. And maybe, maybe if you write about it you can help someone else. I know writing about will heal me in some ways, but should I make it so public just so I can heal?

Please pray for us…

I have to admit I’m actually depressed about this. I don’t know why I’m depressed and it upsets me even more to think about the fact that I’m depressed about being pregnant. I want to be happy. We waited six years for our little boy and to get pregnant again is such a huge blessing for us.

But all I can think about is the money, the budget, my friends, my work, my new business and so much more that terrifies me.

It didn’t help that the weekend I realized that my period was late we overdrafted our account horribly. We had the money to cover everything, but TJ was in a hurry and instead of depositing the money with a teller he put it in an ATM. He put it in Friday afternoon and it didn’t post until this Monday afternoon. At least six things posted on the account on Saturday and this morning it went through before the deposit. He is going to go in to talk to the bank manager, but I don’t have too much hope in them helping us.

I already have been depressed this whole month on the fact that our budget is -$80 a month and we don’t have any savings to pay our taxes. I feel overwhelmed with the fact TJ can’t find a better job and at my job I have no hope of a good raise. The last two years my raises have been less than the increase in the minimum wage in Oregon. My wages at this job are going backwards. Yet I have few choices in a new job. If I find a new job it cannot be in the same town, which is where Zane goes to daycare. I pay almost nothing for a wonderful woman to watch Zane and I could never replace her. So a new job would mean a longer commute.

Then there are my friends. As the first one to have a baby it’s been so hard. I’ve been so excited for my friends to start trying this fall. I had even hoped TJ would find a new job so we could start trying in the fall with them. But now I feel like my friends are going to be upset because here I am pregnant and they all want to get pregnant but have to wait for one reason or another. I know that sounds like a blanket statement, but 4 out of my 5 best friends want to get pregnant and have to wait. I don’t want to tell any of them and I feel horrible about not wanting to tell them. Plus I’m terrified that my friends are going to end up having difficulties getting pregnant and seeing me pregnant isn’t going to help. I hated when I learned someone was pregnant when we were struggling to conceive and I don’t want to hurt them in this way.

My work isn’t going to get any better. Being pregnant and being a mommy is almost a disease at work. I am surrounded by women who made the choice not to have children.  Half the time I’m treated “special” because I’m a mommy and half the time I’m treated like I’m stupid because I am a mommy. Most of the time they “know” what I’m going through and what I need. If I point out something I do need like having a set schedule, I’m asking for too much from them, because they don’t understand how important this is to a child.

I had been hoping to start getting my business off the ground, but I’ve already been feeling discourage for so many reasons. I want to be a work at home mommy. I wanted to stay home with my Zaney and now I want to stay home with both my babes, but unless a miracle happens with my business this is just not going to happen fast enough. Please pray with me that God will make this happen for us, somehow. And if you want to hire me to do any graphics or web design for you this would really help my family.

I’ve been trying to keep all the negatives out of my head and fill myself with the positives.

My husband is so excited. TJ sat down with me and comforted me when I had an inkling and told me how wonderful it was going to be. He told me he had a plan to make things better. I try to keep thinking about what a blessing this is and how for so long I had thought we wouldn’t have children. I’m trying to get myself excited about going through the whole experience of being pregnant, which I loved. I am trying to think about how close Zane will be with his little sibling. I am even trying to convince myself how great it will be not having my periods for a while.

Hopefully the hormones will pass soon and the joy will fill me. Hopefully soon.