I stared at the empty tree. Tears still on my face from a hard discussion. This Christmas was falling apart fast. I tried so hard to make it perfect. But everything fell apart.
A nasty cold hit everyone so hard this week before. I could feel it in the scratchy throat and aching body, my stress and adrenaline had been holding it back. The house showed it, as I stood in the midst of messes created by the animals and kids. Staring at a empty tree I was going to decorate three weekends ago.
My heart hurt, Christmas was not going to be the same as years before and it wasn’t even going to be good.
Earlier that morning I fought with Amazon to get either my money back or my youngest son’s present delivered. They cancelled the order and said the money would show back up in 3 days. I cried no present and no money for a present.
My boyfriend was so sick. That morning he called in to work and switched to be off, but he switched Christmas Eve. Which meant he would not be home for our official Christmas. I was excited for our first family, together Christmas. I was devastated. This led to discussions of this house being to much, too stressful for him.
My mom called we decided together that she shouldn’t be exposed to all the sickness in our house. She has a hard time recovering from even a minor cold and had already had pneumonia once this year.
The tree mocked me, unlit and undecorated. My heart was broken. The light inside me faded and the negative voices taunting me with talk of how I failed everyone.
I called to Zarek and asked if he wanted to decorate the tree with me. He was the only one who had voiced wanting to be involved in decorations.
The poor kid stumbled out of his room in a coughing fit. He helped put a few up. But then sat on the couch pointing out what ornaments to put on our new tree.
I stood back and admired the tree. It wasn’t perfect but then again neither is this Christmas.
Christmases after divorce are hard. But there is still beauty among the hard moments.