I have these moments – they are a normal part of processing a separation or divorce – where something that is usually insignificant to others will bring back flashes, bring questions to those who are relearning who they are. One of these moments came to me recently and made me question my belief “I don’t like to be touched”.
Prelude
Pepper Scraps has made a slight change in genre for now. This is partly for me to process, partly for me to reach back to why I started blogging 20+ years ago, and partly because maybe my revelations, my thoughts will help someone when they read these words. I shared a little about this on my Instagram:
The Background to Touching
If you are close to me you know that I have for years protested hugs and touch. I would declare I do not hug. Friends would apologize for grabbing me up in a hug. I would jump at the touch from someone I didn’t know. If a friend really needed a hug they would ask or if I initiated they knew that it was a special moment.
A Flash of Realization
I sat next to this person I had only known shortly and somehow too many words came spilling out of my mouth. I talked about things that only friends had hints of.
He reached over placed a hand on my shoulder and said “That’s a lot” … “I’m sorry”. We continued on our talk but that moment struck me significantly. I didn’t flinch at the touch, instead it gave me a peace.
The moment kept running through my mind, there was something there. Something that was flashing back to me that needed to be thoroughly thought through.
Why Didn’t I Like to Be Touched
Even days later I started to question why didn’t I flinch, why did it mean so much, why do I not like to be touched.
I started realizing I have in the last year had more moments where I begged friends for hugs, where I wish I could tell them I don’t feel that way anymore.
A few months ago I actually asked a friend for a hug, something I never did before. Recently a friend gave me a hug out of excitement and apologized, but I wanted to say “no, please hug me.”
Why was touch after so many years something I needed, asked for, craved? Was my belief that I didn’t like to be touched false? Was this something I created or something I was taught?
Am I Just Lonely?
I’ve been asking this for a month now. Am I just lonely? Do I just need more companionship? But the funny part is that I’m really not anymore lonely than even 5 years ago, 10 years ago.
There is a freedom in my heart. A peace and a happiness. I’ve made more friends and become more closer with other friends in this last year than ever before. Maybe I’m lonely but I don’t think this is what I’m finding the root of why I didn’t like being touched is.
Am I Afraid of Touch?
What started as a small gesture has become a quest. I am finding the truths. Have you ever noticed that some people are draining? Have you noticed some people fill you?
What I think I’m realizing is that along the way of life I had learned that touch was draining. In my world someone didn’t touch me to give me love but to drain my love from me. To feed off my emotions and feelings.
Slowly this is starting to balance in my head and a small gesture, a small moment brought this clarity to me.
This is a lesson for me and for others. Even the smallest gesture can be incredibly significant to someone’s life.
Do Not Be Afraid – Reach Out
Don’t be afraid to reach out with a touch that is meant to give love and to refresh the other person. You may never know what it might mean to them. After a single moment I have found I am ready to relearn the language of touch.
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